Cancer through the Rearview Mirror..

"To hell with your cancer. I’ve been living with cancer for the better part of a year. Right from the start, it’s a death sentence. That’s what they keep telling me. Well, guess what? Every life comes with a death sentence, so every few months I come in here for my regular scan, knowing full well that one of these times – hell, maybe even today – I’m gonna hear some bad news. But until then, who’s in charge? Me. That’s how I live my life."- Breaking Bad's Walter White

The first chapter in this journey is still vivid.. the early symptoms that I would ignore until I couldn't any longer...the shortness of breath and the dizziness..the feeling I had wasted a doctor's time when nothing was said immediately afterwards when I finally did break down to see a doctor..waiting for Mitch in the McDonald's parking lot after missing my bus and feeling too cold to wait for another one.. the phone call while in Mitch's truck,changing the destination of the ride from my apartment to the Emergency Room..the look of concern on Mitch's face as he's contacting family and friends while an oxygen mask is slapped on me..nurses bringing other nurses into my hospital room.. "He walked into the Emergency Room can you believe that?" then getting the word a day or so afterwards "You have Cancer"

I tell the complete story of that episode and more in my one man play "Cancer,Peace,Love,and Assorted Realities"

It's been six years now since I got that phone call. Doctors have been saying for the past five years that I'm in remission now,I don't feel anything now like I felt then,but still for whatever reasons,the doctors won't declare me cancer free yet.

6 Years later and about the only time I think about cancer now is those couple times a year when I have to do the scans and  visit with the oncologist or at the anniversary of the diagnosis.

Is it like it never happened? Not on your life. Since the days of my initial diagnosis,I have had friends who have passed on due to the disease,and some of the very people who gave me a hand during my early moments have since have been diagnosed with various forms of cancer themselves.There's an instant recognition that takes place with those who get diagnosed,and the "Why them and not me" question arises when someone passes away.

I think everyone in the course of one's life, experiences events,whether tragic or merely momentous that alters one's perceptions on it. As I begin to look at  the cancer experience from the view of the rearview mirror,it becomes one of a handful of events that helped shape my perceptions.I never let cancer define me.

During the days of my initial treatment,I was introduced to,and became an immediate fan of the TV series Breaking Bad.  I made an immediate connection with its main character,Walter White,in large part due to the fact that he was dealing with his own cancer diagnosis. Walter White in the end lived a life that I would never hope to imitate but in the act of doing the things he did,he would describe himself as being alive.

Having a sense of mortality does push one to live more freely and fully doesn't it? Or as Bob Marley would say "Wake up and Live"